and a realization

This goes back to my centimeter post. I found this guy's blog today through Dig, and he is a very strong, independent person that much prefers to be alone. He reminds me of who I used to be. But his post on how he hates when people need other people to be happy is what hit me the hardest and made me realize how much I've changed over the years. The way he phrases his words makes me want to agree with him, but I just can't. I'm not made for that lifestyle. I'm not that strong. I was born, raised, and grew up alone, and I was just fine being like that up until I met my sisters. It was through them that I learned the importance and meaning of family, how to be close to family, and how to really love and appreciate your family. That's when I realized how lonely it is to always be alone. I know that my mom resented it when I learned that, because I spent the summer after I met them crying over how much I missed them. But even though she regretted allowing me to visit my dad, I didn't regret it for a second. Not a single tear was wasted when it came to them. Even though it stung like hell, I needed to realize how lonely one can be.

I can't be alone. I don't want to be alone. I need other people. It might seem selfish and idiotic for me to say so, but it's just the truth -- I need other people to feel happy. I don't know how to love myself enough to be happy on my own. And I'm not afraid to admit it. I am selfish, I can be cruel, and on some days I really hate myself. But, it's through the warmth of others that I can truly appreciate who I am, what I do, and where I am in life.

And one more realization: I will never fall in love with you. So don't even worry about it. In fact, I probably won't be falling in love again any time soon. The most important part of being able to love someone else is that you love yourself first, and god knows how far away I am from that.

I'm really laying myself out on the table here. It's kind of freaky, but also kind of whatever. I am an open book. Read me, taunt me, do what you please. Come morning, I'll probably facepalm myself for this post, but again, it's whatever. I'll just blush a deep red and move on with my life.