Okay, maybe I was just being a little shit (like always) when I said that I didn't have feelings for you anymore.
I am a firm believer that all feelings and emotions are only temporary. I really think it's true. In any given moment, people are inclined to feel a certain way, but it fades away after a certain amount of time. No matter how much you try to convince yourself that you'll feel one way forever, you really just can't.
But even though feelings are a passing experience, it doesn't mean that you can't feel the same emotion over and over again. In fact, that's exactly what I think concepts like "love" are born out of. And that's sort of how I feel about you. It's not quite there, though. Maybe it's something even more important than that. But I don't really know right now.
Summer made me feel much less strongly about you. Not getting to be around you means not getting to experience the way that you make me feel. It only makes sense that I would gradually forget how much you mean to me.
But I got smacked in the face over the course of this trip. Hard. It's really fucking amazing how much I feel at ease when I am around you, even though I feel equally nervous. You ignite something inside of me - something like a sparkler. A bright light in the dark. Warmth. Excitement. You make me excited to be alive, and that's something that I've never felt before. Never quite like this, at least. The earth constantly inspires me to live, but you inspire something else in me that clouds and flowers can't.
It's something like hope. You make me feel hopeful.
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After my last relationship, I realized that I just want to be with someone that doesn't have to be around me all the time and can do their own thing on their own. But, even though there would be a strong sense of distance between us, when we are reunited, all the feelings come back naturally and nothing changes. I wished for someone that would be able to make me feel love over and over and over again, no matter how much time passes or things change. It wouldn't matter if the end result is becoming my lover or staying as a friend. I just want to mean that much to someone that means just as much to me.
And now that a possible answer to my wish is within my reach, it scares me. I don't want to lose it, and I don't want to mess it up if I ever manage to obtain it. So I'm going to do this slowly, but steadily. There are certain things that are too good to pass up or rush into, and I think that you are worth putting in the extra work for.