last night backstage as we were running through our performance one more time, I looked at you for a brief moment, and suddenly, my heart skipped a beat. I thought to myself, "one day, he's going to find a wonderful girl, and that's going to make me so happy." I don't know why that was my first thought, but it was, and I truly mean it.
I kept thinking about that feeling as the night went on, too, as our hands touched and you cheered me on while I played a silly game and you leaned your head into the crook of my back while laughing. small and new things are what make my heart skip a beat, and for a night, maybe I felt what it would be like if we were together. I felt bright and I felt happy for the first time in what seems to be a very, very long time.
but it scared me as I tried to fall asleep, that you might have made me happier in a span of 9 hours than he ever did in the one year that him and I have spent together. perhaps i'm too focused on present matters, and because of that, I can't see the way that our bits of happiness have added up over the course of 365 days. it scared me because it opened my eyes to what my relationship is really like -- and because it opened up the possibility of there being something better out there for me.
i'm still uncertain, but I'm going to keep trying to make it work between him and I.
that's why I'm so very sorry, M. I hope that I can be that girl for you in a different universe.