i've been thinking a lot
about actions and consequences
things that might have been
things that could be but will never
i think about whether it was okay
that i never let him come too close
that when he put his hand on my thigh
on that windy night at a bar in the holiest of cities
and said, "you're cold. do you want my jacket?"
i turned away and said, no
just let this be what it is
a spontaneous moment
a passing exchange
a random meeting
i think about whether it was okay
that i never took that invitation up
that when he asked me, clear as day
on that very same night in an elevator filled with witnesses
and said, "come up if you need anything. i'll be in 1413."
i turned away, but this time
with excitement pushing me forward
and the fear of guilt holding me back
it reminded me of another time a while back
end of autumn, in the back of a car, alex at the helm
and the two of us together in the back seat
we were singing along to something old
with the breeze of midnight air flowing in through the window
and the warmth of your thigh rubbing against mine.
we were brimming with youth and daring that night
and at that moment, with you by my side
i felt like flying.
but in the end, time passes
and opportunities will be missed
we never shared that same kind of space again
and neither will i with him
a spontaneous moment
a passing exchange
a random meeting.
"let's never come here again
because it would never be as much fun"