I've been very quiet and unsocial lately. At least more so than usual. The words I want to say keep slipping away from me and the feelings I want to express keep getting subdued by my own self-doubt. Maybe it's because of the lack of sleep. Or the stress from final exams and final papers. Or my bad habit of putting important things off until the last minute. Or the fact that I am being ignored and hated by someone close to me for some reason that I am not aware of. Or the fact that two of the closest people to me, among others, are graduating and moving on with their lives while I am still here. Or the fact that I'm subconsciously suppressing the love that I feel for someone because I am never sure about him and I always feel like I don't deserve to receive love. I give it away like candy, but just the thought of someone caring about me to that extent scares me.
A stupid crush 9 months in the making and it still doesn't make sense. Will it ever? Who knows. Who cares? I care. Maybe too much. Yes, definitely too much. I want to stop caring and I did try but it doesn't work and I always come back to the same point. Nothing changes. Nothing ever changes with you, and I don't know if that makes me happy or not. Mostly happy, because you are wonderful you and I hope that never changes. But at times like this where I am stuck in my own head, I'm very unhappy. I'm unhappy with these stupid, stupid feelings I have for you, but mostly I'm unhappy with myself and my fruitless desires. I wish my mind would stop beating itself up and stop thinking about trivial things like this.
(No, you could never be trivial. Not you.)
"Why do you have so many regrets?"
But I don't. And that's part of the problem.
I don't regret anything. That's why I don't learn from my mistakes.
My fingers need to stop moving because this is just making me feel worse.