I. am. exhausted.
There is a whole world for me to see out there and if I keep thinking like this I'll never get anywhere.
My mind has to come before my heart for now. I'm still weak. Weakened and haunted by ghosts from the past that are changing in reality but refuse to change in my mind. I need to focus on fighting off the demons in the attic. And I need stop waiting for someone to chase them away for me.
You will fall in love with someone who’s cold and always seemingly pushing you away. When all is said and done, they will be forever known as the one person you couldn’t get to love you. Unfortunately, it will hurt and sting worse than the good ones, the ones that chopped up your meat for you and picked out an eyelash from your eye and were nice to your mother, because love often feels like a game we need to win. And when we lose, when we realize we couldn’t get what we ultimately desired from a person, it makes us feel like a failure and erases all the memories of those who loved us in the past. It’s a permanent smudge on your love resume.This is me realizing that you are going to be that permanent smudge on my love resume. This is me realizing that these feelings are fruitless, and that the present me is not ready for you. This is me realizing that I may never be ready for you. And fuck me, it does make me feel like a failure. I didn't try hard enough before, I'm still not trying hard enough now, and I probably never will try hard enough when it comes to you. Because you are far too special to just be won over. I wanted this to be a natural feeling, and a mutual feeling. But I don't think we have that latter part down. So that's why I feel like a failure. And that's why I'm giving up without ever having tried. It's lame and it's stupid, but it's something I have to do. I can't help it. I've always been like this. I give up on things that don't come naturally to me. It's just what I do.
That's actually why I'm pursuing a degree in Biology. It doesn't come naturally, but through hard work, and the feeling that I get from when I do well in that area is much, much more invigorating than when I do well in something that comes easier to me. That's why I hope that by getting a degree in Bio, I can prove to myself that I am ready to take on anything.
(And not only that, but the subject matter is awesome. Studying different life forms and how they work and trying to figure out why they work that way [more of a philosophical question, but still] is super cool.)
So I'll make myself into a better person. And one day, when I am strong enough, I will try harder and give love my all when I find it again.
I may be a fool, but I am fearless, I am brilliant, and I will be fine.