breeze

I promised myself I wouldn't come back here, but I should know better than to trust my emotions on a whim.

today as I was driving home from work, I saw a familiar sky. light blue mixed with the yellow of the setting sun, purple clouds in the distance from the incoming dark. windows rolled down, riding 70 on a 55, paul's dreamy voice flowing from the speakers, soft autumn breeze flowing into my space. I felt the end of the summer and the anticipation of winter all at once. I felt the ghost of my younger self, flying on the high of a new semester, new beginnings. I felt acceptance for unrequited like, I felt the finality of burdens that may be gone but will never be forgotten. more than anything else, I felt hope for the future approaching slowly but surely from the horizon.

I breathe in the end of the summer and enter the fall with a sigh and a prayer for a new beginning.

화양연화

it's been a beautiful 4 years.

hystericus

I thought we were all going to be okay.

i'm running
i don't know where i'm going

i keep imagining the end
but i keep hiding, escaping,
changing directions

i'm running
i know where i don't want to go

december

sixty degrees
windows rolled down
the sky a palette of blues and pinks
as we drove over the south river

the back of your neck
your distorted reflection in the side view mirror
and a strange warmth creeping into my heart

the blessings of april
in the midst of december
wherever i go, whenever i go,
it's always springtime with you

"we have to do it! we're only young once!"
on the long train ride home,
what an impressive sentiment,
I couldn't help but think to myself.
I want to bathe in the fire of my youth.

god only knows i'd give up to the fire

I'm thinking about it again
maybe it's because her thoughts triggered a cascade of thoughts about the long forgotten past
maybe it's because this burning longing feeling constantly haunting my chest feels so familiar

what makes this different from before?

I'm thinking about my sophomore year of high school. bright colored pants, shirts that made a statement, awkwardly drifting from class to class, the constant tightness in my chest from thinking about him and how he made me feel. the first five songs + track nine in angels and airwaves' i-Empire constantly on repeat, making for the soundtrack to my first love, maybe the most important love i'll ever have, definitely not the best, undoubtedly the most painful. I'm thinking of youth, of standing next to the person i love, the carelessness that comes with adolescence, the complexities that come with time and distance. I'm thinking of us, growing and maturing together, but at the same time, never really doing either at all.  we were in love but we were unchanging, static, unwilling to let go of our own vices when it came to the other. both of us impossibly selfish, the 5,000 mile distance feeling more and more impossible, we called it a year and walked our separate ways.

the two that came along didn't even feel close to what that was like, maybe the first being the closest if only for the fact that I had longed for him for so long. but while he was kind and full of good intentions, he was cold and distant without meaning to be. it wasn't something I could ask for him to change, nor was it something I would ever be able to find the heart to bear.

the second is hard to describe. he was in the right place at the right time, coming into my life when I needed him to. he filled the gaps that blue eyes left behind and provided the utmost care for me and support towards my own goals and ambitions. he patched me up when I was left with cuts and scrapes from the aching cold. but that was as far as we could go together. I learned how to stand back up, and I started moving forward again. while he tried to, too, it wasn't at a pace that could match mine. more than that, I started moving closer and closer to a different light, one that felt right in my reach, and I grabbed on to it, held it close, let it envelop me.
I left him in the dark, and I feel terrible about it every single day. I doubt I will ever feel as loved as he made me feel. but I needed to find something better, someone better, someone that could walk side by side with me, not trail behind me while fumbling around trying to find the right path.

---

I am uncertain about the present. some days it's good, some days it's excellent, some days I feel that it's so overwhelmingly beautiful that I wouldn't be able to live without it. some days, I don't want to let go, ever. those are the days that I will ache for his warmth and allow myself to indulge in contemplating the possibility of a future together. but there are nights where it feels like something is missing. something is lacking. sometimes it's understanding. sometimes it's depth. and most times, it's something I can't quite put a finger on.
we said we would grow together, but there are days where it feels like I am a flower in bloom but he is still a budding sprout. you can grow together, but sometimes one will be further ahead than the other. does that work in a relationship? can you grow together, even if it's at different rates for different things? is love about going through that experience together, or is it about watching the other and supporting it with some kind of blind faith? or is it both? or is it neither?

I'm fumbling in the dark. I've loved so many times but I still can't even begin to grasp what the right thing and the wrong thing to do is when it comes to the ones you love and keeping them close to you. the only definite that I have when it comes to us is that I never want to let it go, for as long as I live. I've never felt so strongly for something so pure.